Some things just do not go together

Published 5:04 pm Monday, April 17, 2023


Contributing columnist

Some things in life seem like they belong together like Peanut Butter and Jelly or Mashed Potatoes and Gravy. However, some things just don’t go together. Things like ordering a Big Gulp and then going on a road trip or Ex-Lax and one ply toilet paper. They just don’t make sense.

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I went out to run some errands and I saw a guy that confirmed my belief that a man and sandals do not go together. Unless your name is David and you’re getting your slingshot ready to fight Goliath, then ditch the sandals.

Later that day, I stopped for lunch and I saw Fish Tacos on the menu. Just like me and my high school girlfriend, those two just don’t mix. One of things that just doesn’t fit is the salad bar at a buffet restaurant. Excuse me, I just paid thirty bucks a person. I assure you that I’m not filling up precious stomach space with lettuce.

I decided to stop in a donut shop to drown my sorrows and the clerk was pushing the chicken salad sandwich on me. I’m sorry but donut shops and chicken salad do not mix. If I wanted a sandwich, I would go to, I don’t know, a sandwich shop. After I finally convinced the clerk that I was only interested in donuts, he showed me their newest flavor called The Porky. It was a donut topped with Canadian Bacon and Apple Jelly. What kind of craziness is this?

The next day, I went to the grocery, and I saw potato chips that were flavored to taste like hot dogs. If I wanted to eat a hot dog, and believe me, I do, I would just buy hot dogs. As I continued down the aisle, I saw potato chips that were flavored like Buffalo wings, ham and cheese and dare I say it, salt and vinegar. Talk about things that don’t mix. There’s a use for vinegar but I assure you it’s not on a potato chip. I know my expectations may be too high, but I buy potato chips to taste potatoes. Crazy I know.

Things that don’t belong together can change as we grow older as well. For example, a tongue piercing and dentures don’t mix. If your old enough for liver spots, then just maybe it’s time to do away with the Daisy Duke shorts. If your old enough for one, then your too old for the other. If your bald on top, then the mullet no longer works. It just makes you look like Ben Franklin.

I recall when I was growing up, I had certain chores assigned to me. Normally, it was like pulling teeth to get me away from watching Gilligan’s Island to do them. However, when it came time to burn our trash, I couldn’t volunteer fast enough. I got credit for doing a chore and I got to strike matches which I normally wasn’t allowed to do. My mother gave specific instructions not to stand too close to the fire, don’t play with the fire. You know, all the fun stuff. As I stood there mesmerized by the flames, I felt an evil streak go through me and I wondered what would happen if I threw a can of my sister’s hairspray into the fire. I threw the can in and waited.  Suddenly, the hairspray can exploded and sounded like a cannon had went off. It scared me so bad; I ran back to the house faster than Wile E. Coyote chasing the Roadrunner. It was then that I learned two things that do go together. Being mischievous and Karma. Lesson learned.